“I spent the best years on you, and you. » – What to do to avoid this sad scenario? How to understand in time that perhaps a person nearby does not see a joint future with you?
“Everything seems to be good, but I doubt the seriousness of his intentions” – you happened to hear this from friends? Or maybe you yourself have repeatedly said this about a partner? According to the clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo, the reasons that a person may not
be ready to connect himself with you any ties, there may be a lot.
For example, his previous romantic experience was too painful. Or he appreciates freedom too much. Or-it’s a shame, but it happens-he is simply not sure that you are “the same”, or suggests that he can meet someone “better”.
Alas, it is not easy to understand this, and we manage to thoroughly fall in love with a person before we understand that he does not even consider the option of a joint future with us. Here are a few tips of a psychologist who will help to recognize this situation as soon as possible.
1. He avoids conversations on important topics
Probably with him you can easily and at ease on any topic. He can probably talk about politics, economics, philosophy and culture as much. But as soon as you translate the conversation into a more serious and personal direction, he tries to change the subject, and if you try to “put pressure”, is inevitably annoyed.
2. He sends mixed signals
Today you are planning a joint future, and tomorrow you no longer understand that between you and whether you are met at all. Toxic partners do this deliberately to control loved ones, but perhaps your partner does not do so on purpose – he is really not sure of anything, confused or is afraid of responsibility.
3. He creates and maintains a distance between you
Physical, emotional or sexual. Such people often enter into relations with non -free partners or with those who live in another city or even another country – simply because this exempts them from the need to take on obligations.
4. He does not invest in a common future
No, with him, of course, you can discuss joint plans for the weekend or upcoming vacation, but that’s all. No talk about the general real estate, wedding, children or a joint moving to another country.
5. He does not trust people
Most likely, he does not have many friends, but with those that are, relations have developed for quite some time. He does not know how to make new acquaintances easily, does not immediately open to others and treats others with some suspicion – especially those who are approaching him with open arms.
6. He is captured by the past
Perhaps he happened to survive the experience of rejection, or loss, or abandonment. This happens with many of us, and entering into a new relationship after that is really scary (which is quite normal), however, your partner is most likely ties to your hands and feet, and he does not even try to free himself.
WHAT TO DO?
If your partner has no serious intentions about you right now, this does not mean that everything is lost and it’s time to disperse. Perhaps he will need time – the question is whether you are ready to wait. And the situation is most likely not to be resolved by itself. What can you do right now?
1. Start talking about what is important to you and what bothers you
Ideally – without tears and anger. Share your plans and dreams. Talk about what you expect from the future. Check your own expectations with what the partner wants and what the partner wants. Otherwise, there is a great risk of living with each other and only then to understand that all this time you looked in different directions.
2. Admit what you feel in relation to each other
This is not easy and often painful, but it is much better to know right now that you are not “the same” for a person than, again, to spend years in fruitless expectation.
3. Thank your partner for every conversation heart
If he carefully listened to everything that you told, and shared his observations in response, be sure to say “thank you”. Even if it seems to you that this is a natural part of the relationship, for your partner it could be a difficult step. Appreciate any attempts to open and show empathy for you – thanks to your reaction, most likely, over time, more will become more.
And if all this does not help ..
… admit that there is enough for you. That you should not endure a relationship that you do not like, simply because society tells. Or « Cup tick ». Or because your mother suffered. Perhaps the moment has come to say goodbye and move on – towards a person who will have extremely serious intentions against you.